


God made a mistake when he cursed me with the ability to think

by emer-ald isle (emer_ald_isle)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Body Horror, Crack, Gen, If this makss a single person guffaw my job is done, Maybe??????????skin around eye absorbs foreign liquid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 20:53:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19070476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emer_ald_isle/pseuds/emer-ald%20isle
Summary: Y'all remember Johnson's No Tears shampoo???????





	God made a mistake when he cursed me with the ability to think

**Author's Note:**

> I will apologise for nothing

"Deceit?"

 

The very definitely suave and debonair man jumped and turned around to face Logan, no longer hunching over the kitchen's stupid fucking useless toaster. The logical side looked to him, brows furrowed slightly in caution and not at all concern.

 

"Are you… crying?"

 

Dee blinked, then blinked again, and again. Blink blink blink blink blink. Then, he spurred into action. He made the very calm and calculated move of turning back to the plate he had been standing over before stupid Logic had interrupted and flinging it to the other side of the counter, the undercooked bagel on it flying to the floor and probably all of Newton's laws of motion to blame for the fact that the plate he had thrown had continued along the counter onto the floor and smashed. Deceit had no part in his favourite plate with a Charizard decal shattering into pieces. Fucking Newton… Deceit was a chaotic neutral, he didn't need gravity.

 

Logan stepped forward, now looking very uneasy and not concerned at all, no siree. “Deceit, are you quite alright?” His eyes darted between the tears still running down the liar’s cheeks and the smashed plate. To be fair, Deceit answered Logan’s question with great dignity and poise, the way any true distinguished gay should.

 

“I-I’m fi-” He was cut off by his own stupid tears, a sob leaving his mouth. This is what he gets for lying about being a distinguished gay - he was a fucking disaster gay and everyone knew it.

 

Logan stepped nearer once more, now close enough to place a probably worried hand on the slimy boi’s arm. “Why are you crying?” His eyebrows furrowed more as he spoke, most likely confused about Deceit’s emotions because he didn’t like to confront any of his own. Ha! Sick burn, Dee! Why thank you, Deceit, it was quite sick, wasn’t it? Sick burn aside, Deceit shook himself, panicking as he recognised the fact that another person was seeing him crying. Whoops! Feelings!

 

As quick as a very quick snake, he reached into his cape and pulled out a bottle of Johnson’s No Tear Shampoo. Before Logan could say anything, the very cool man poured the entire thing into both of his eyes, even the plastic of the bottle turning liquid and going in there as well. As the shampoo-plastic concoction wormed its way around Deceit’s eyes and was absorbed into his skin, the tears that had once plagued the man too cool for crying disappeared as well. Logan stared on, still as a snake that wasn’t moving , not even blinking as he took in the sight before him.

 

While Logan was still composing himself, Deceit brushed the pitiful man’s hand from his arm and cleared his throat. “Well then, I must be off, well, see you-” As he turned around, Deceit felt Logan’s grip return, this time less ‘soft caring owo are you ok’ and more ‘OW FUCK MY FUCKING ARM’. Dee spun back around to face the man that probably gave killer handshakes, unsure of how to process the fact that Logan’s eyes were now glowing red with a mixture of rage, confusion and fear.

 

“What the fuck was that?” Logan thundered, and oh, it seemed Logan was allowed to borrow Anxiety’s Scary Voice™ even though Deceit wasn’t, even though he’d asked semi-politely! Fantastic! Deceit gulped and opened his mouth to explain, voice subdued and oddly calm considering the situation. “Well, my bagel was undercooked, and the toaster stopped working, so-” Logan’s head whipped around to face where the bagel was lying on the floor. “Fucking- undercooked???? That thing is as burnt as that time Roman thought mixing fireworks with gasoline would be fun! I- fucking- what part of that is undercooked, what fucking part, you brainless vermin?”

 

Deceit pouted. “It doesn’t taste like charcoal yet.” Logan opened his mouth before closing it again. Open. Closed. Open. Closed. Finally, it opened and staying open as the man tilted his head up to the godless heavens and let out the deafening sound of a bass-boosted dial-up noise. After a good 10 minutes of nothing but the screeching sounds of hell emanating from Logan’s mouth, he took mercy on the snake standing before him. “Alright, I guess, Jesus Christ.” He held up a finger.

 

“Secondly, what the fuck was the thing with that shampoo?” Dee opened his mouth eagerly, very keen on breaking Logan’s mind with his stupid fucking logic. “Well, it said it was No-Tears shampoo, so I decided to try it out, and it sure gives you no tears.” Logan’s already iron grip on Deceit’s arm only increased in intensity as an intense look of confusion, frustration and some tears of his own reigned on the logical side’s face.

 

“I- wha- I mean I gues- that’s not how- gbrauzhbgasvnoeqkkalvwnb;om qvvawn.”

 

The man ripped his hand from the snake’s arm and took in a deep breath, before slapping Deceit in the face. As he watched Deceit’s lack of reaction to the slap, he quirked an eyebrow and slapped him again. And again. And again. Slap slap slap. When Logan finally stopped trying to provoke a reaction out of the man standing before him, Deceit opened his mouth to speak, a shit-eating grin in place on his face.

 

“You think you can injure me? Ha! You are but a mere mortal and I am the very being who has killed the gods of the underworld to satisfy his own bloodlust. You think I will be injured by a mere slap? Stab me next time, pussy.”

 

The liar briskly walked past the logical side that he left to process the bile that he had just spewed from his cerebrum, but not before flicking him on the forehead. He picked the bagel up from the floor and resolved to throw it in the fire to cook it. As Deceit popped out of existence to go and find a flame to throw the bread into, Logan was left to stew in his own fear, trying to comprehend all that had happened in the last 5 minutes and feeling very much like curling up in his bed and crying.

 

He sighed, before turning to the corner of the kitchen and finding a sweeping brush. He got to work as he grumbled. The least the bastard could have done before disappearing to watch Garfeld the Musical again was take care of his own mess.

**Author's Note:**

> I legitimately felt like crying while writing this.


End file.
